


Changing times

by Biket



Series: TsukkiYama Week 2020 [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Party, Teams Reunion, TsukkiYama Week 2020, Tsukkiyama Week, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:41:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26165044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Biket/pseuds/Biket
Summary: If there was one person Yamaguchi wanted to see more than anything, it was Tsukishima. It had been too long since the volleyball player had come to Tokyo a few days to spend time with him and Yamaguchi missed him. He missed him more than anything and he had planned on talking to him about a certain something. Something he should have told him much sooner, something important, and yet so stressful.Something called feelings.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Series: TsukkiYama Week 2020 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1892755
Comments: 2
Kudos: 51
Collections: TsukkiYama Week 2020





	Changing times

**Author's Note:**

> TsukkiYama wee, day 5 - Unrequited!   
> Yeah, I chose to suffer this time c:
> 
> There's actually a theme song for this one, if you wanna listen to it while you read [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ly12gCfiM7U) it is

Yamaguchi didn’t particularly like parties. 

Too much noise, too many people he didn’t know and didn’t want to talk with, too much alcohol. He never felt like he truly belonged there, whenever he would attend one, no matter how many friends would go with him. It may be because he still had trouble to be sociable, pushing away his natural introvert self to try and enjoy something he simply didn’t understand. He’d prefer a movie night with his close friends - especially Tsukki, over any party. 

But tonight was different, he guessed. He knew everybody and everybody knew him. Some better than others but they had all at least saw him and talk to him once in their life. Or more precisely, during their high school years. It was weird to see this many people in the same house, it felt like a dream to Yamaguchi. He didn’t even know how Kenma could afford a place like this - _sponsors_ , he had said - and even less why the previous setter of Nekoma was their host. He wasn’t exactly the party type either. It was no doubt Kuroo who had instigated all this.

It was Hinata who had invited him, telling him everyone would be there for once, that he had to go. Yamaguchi had laughed and tried to find an excuse but didn’t say anything. It had been a long time since he had last seen his former teammates and he had to admit, he missed them a great deal. Life in Tokyo without his friends and their usual shenanigans had been strange, like a parallel universe in which he couldn’t find the exit. 

Yamaguchi had always liked his routine. Back in high school, everything was simple, he would join Tsukki on their way to school, spend the day with him, practice after class to train his underclassmen, and perfect his own technique, then he would go home with Tsukki and again and again. But everything had changed when they all drifted apart and had gone to college. Or to travel the world for others. He didn’t know how Noya could leave everything behind to discover the world all alone, far from all the people he knew, Yamaguchi knew he could never do this. He needed his routine.

And with Tsukki still in Miyagi while he had moved to Tokyo, it had been hard for him to adjust to his new life, to find new things to hold on to. But he had managed, as always. He wasn’t the reserved first year anymore after all, he had gained in confidence and he knew he was stronger than he himself thought. He had always been. 

Still, he had felt weird to be away from all the people he knew and he had to admit, this party was doing him some good. He had arrived with Yachi and was now observing everyone, curious to see how they had all changed. And since Kuroo had wanted for multiple former teams to be there, Yamaguchi had a lot of people to look at. 

Amongst his own old teammates, Daichi, Suga, and Kiyoko were talking quietly not far away from him but he couldn’t understand what they were saying. Maybe they were talking about their jobs, it was common things for adults to do and they were all adults now, even if it still felt strange to see things like this. Yamaguchi smiled lightly at the thought. It was a shame Noya couldn’t be there, his old senpai had always been one to remind them they could still be children if they wanted to. Asahi wasn’t there either but it was no surprise, the freckled boy had seen a recent Instagram post of the two men in Egypt. They seemed happy, much to Yamaguchi’s delight.

As usual, Hinata and Kageyama were bickering under the annoyed eyes of Kenma who seemed he wanted to be everywhere but here. At least Kuroo didn’t seem to hover around him as he would usually do, bothering him and telling him to be a bit more joyful. Yamaguchi’s smile grew larger as his eyes took in the scene then moved on to the former players of the Fukurodani and Nekoma’s teams talking animatedly. 

He caught the eyes of Akaashi on him for a brief moment and nodded at him, smiling. Yamaguchi still remembered the first time he met the man, along with Bokuto. He had been in his first year during Karasuno very first training camp. That was when Tsukki had truly started to get on his nerves about volleyball being just a club and all that. It was also when Yamaguchi had the courage to stand up to him, screaming at him with a desperation he hadn’t known before. It wasn’t exactly a great memory since he hated all the times he and Tsukishima had fought but what had followed had been worth it. 

Thinking of Tsukki, Yamaguchi wondered where he could be. He was the only one he hadn’t seen until now, and he knew his best friend had planned on coming. He had told him he would take the train in the afternoon to arrive two hours later if everything went as planned. He could be stuck in traffic right now, that wouldn’t be surprising considering Tokyo wasn’t exactly a small city. 

If there was one person Yamaguchi wanted to see more than anything, it was Tsukishima. It had been too long since the volleyball player had come to Tokyo a few days to spend time with him and Yamaguchi missed him. He missed him more than anything and he had planned on talking to him about a certain something. Something he should have told him much sooner, something so important and yet so stressful. 

Something called feelings.

“Enjoying yourself?” a voice asked behind him.

Yamaguchi squeaked in surprise and turned around to find Tsukishima smiling at him. He pouted and stuck his tongue at him like the child he was. It was amazing how Tsukki seemed to appear at the same time Yamaguchi was thinking about him. He should try it out more often, whenever he was feeling lonely, maybe that would work. 

“I’ll let you know, I’m having the time of my life,” he said. He glanced at his glass, still full. He had never been a great drinker.

“Surprising. What did I miss?”

“Nothing much.” Yamaguchi shrugged. “Oikawa’s usual complaints, Hinata being the hyperactive sunshine he is, Tanaka and Yamamoto’s bro moment and I think Atsumu challenged at least five people to an arm-wrestling match. Bokuto beat him though. Oikawa wanted Iwaizumi to try his luck but he got smacked in the head.”

Tsukishima chuckled. “The usual then.”

Glancing at him sideways, Yamaguchi could see Tsukki was smirking while watching the small crowd. The freckled boy knew his best friend was a bit like him during parties. Sure, he always had way more self-assurance than him but he wasn’t the social kind either. That meant they would usually spend their time together and that was exactly what Yamaguchi wanted and needed. He had to tell him how much he had missed him, how he intended on going back to Miyagi once he would be done with college, to be with him at all times, just like before. But for now, Yamaguchi wasn’t ready fr the big talk. 

“Did you just arrive?” he asked nonchalantly. He had noticed Tsukishima wasn’t carrying anything and he knew his friend wouldn’t have crossed the country without intending to stay a few days at least. 

“No, I was at Kuroo’s to drop my bags. I’ll stay for a week I think since we’ve got no games in the near future,” Tsukishima explained.

Yamaguchi frowned. He didn’t say anything but hearing Tsukki say he would be staying over at Kuroo’s kind of hurt. He knew the two of them were friends and regularly spoke to each other but still. Yamaguchi was feeling left out. Slowly, he shook his head and refrained a sigh. He was being ridiculous. 

But was he, really? He knew Tsukki and Kuroo were friends just as he knew Tsukishima had been talking about him a lot lately. Yamaguchi hadn’t mind at the time, thinking it was normal since they had their own circle of friends. But when he had stopped to think about it, he didn’t really understand why Tsukishima was talking so much about the former Nekoma captain. They didn’t even live in the same city, why would they be so close? Yamaguchi knew jealousy wasn’t a good feeling to have and yet, he couldn’t help himself. He was definitely jealous.

“You could come to my place if you don’t want to be bothered. I know Kuroo can be a lot to handle according to Kenma,” he offered, hoping his voice didn’t sound bitter or anything.

“No, it’s okay. Don’t worry.”

Yamaguchi hummed. Something was off between them, he could feel it. He didn’t know what it was so he couldn’t exactly talk about it but it felt weird. Maybe the time they had spent apart from each other was to blame. After all, they had never gone so long without seeing the other every day, of course their first reunion would be weird! He just had to act like everything was normal and soon, it would be. But the situation was just making him more nervous than he already was.

How was he supposed to confess to Tsuki if he didn’t even feel comfortable doing small talk with him? Wouldn’t it be weird if he suddenly declared his love for him? He cursed himself. He should have done this much sooner, it would have been easier.

If he hadn’t been so nervous back then, they might have been together today. The love Yamaguchi felt for Tsukishima wasn’t new, it didn’t appear out of nowhere just because he missed him. He suspected those feelings had grown since the first day they met and yet, he hadn’t done anything about it. He had told himself they had time but was it really the case? Yamaguchi couldn’t help but remember the conversations mentioning Kuroo, the jealousy still crushing his heart, and the desperation he felt. 

_Wait._

Were things awkward because he felt pressured to confess? Was it his own fault? Was he the one making things weird unconsciously between them?

_Fuck._

“Tsukki, can I-” Yamaguchi began. 

“Tsukki!”

The owner of the voice interrupting him wasted no time to wave at them, a few meters away. Hadn’t he been well-educated, Yamaguchi would have groaned loudly. Kuroo. Of course it would be him. And of course, Tsukishima just had to smile at this exact moment. Not when he was talking to Yamaguchi but when Kuroo had called for him. _Of course._

“I’m gonna go over there, sorry Yamaguchi. We’ll catch up later.” Tsukishima didn’t even bother giving him an embarrassed look before taking off. 

_Sorry Yamaguchi._

Had the world gone upside down?

* * *

Yamaguchi hated parties.

He’s now in the bathroom, sitting on the floor, his fists clenched on his shirt. He wants to scream so bad and yet, the urge to cry is stronger. Why did he come here? Why was he so stubborn about doing everything to be at Tsukki’s side? Why did he think it was a good idea? It wasn’t. It never was and now he was in pain because of his own foolishness. He kicked the wall with his elbow, gritting his teeth when he felt the pain striking his entire arm. _Good._

Yamaguchi wasn’t one for public outbursts of anger. The only time he had behaved in such a way was during the training camp a few years ago. _What more do you need than pride?_ But where was his own pride now? Where was this confidence of his when he needed it the most? He wanted to scream, to kick and break everything he could reach but he sat still, digging his palms with his nails and closing his eyes so hard it hurt. But no amount of physical pain could make him forget the way his heart broke two minutes ago. 

_Tsukki’s hands on a waist that wasn’t his._ How could Yamaguchi have been so stupid? _Tsukki’s lips on a mouth that wasn’t his._ Why had he been so delusional? _Tsukki’s smile that wasn’t directed at him._ He was an idiot, had always been. _Why him? Why him and not me?_ It was his own fault, really. He should have confessed sooner, he should have been braver. 

What more do you need than pride?

_Courage._

“What’s wrong?”

Yamaguchi wasn’t even startled to hear Tsukki’s voice. Raising his head, he saw his friend standing in the doorway and all he can think about is how he should have locked the door to have some peace and quiet. But he hadn’t and now he had to face the one person he really didn’t want to see. Or maybe the second, Kuroo was on the list too but really, everyone was on the list at the moment. He wanted to be alone, was it too much to ask? Wasn’t it a common agreement to never bother anyone lock in the bathroom during a party? Except he didn’t lock the door. He sighed. 

“Nothing. Too much alcohol.” He almost laughs at his own answer. He didn’t even drink enough to feel tipsy and Tsukishima knew that. Of course he would. He was observant. Not enough to figure out what was wrong by himself but he was. 

“Yamaguchi, I’m not blind. What’s wrong?”

He snorted at that. _Not blind my ass._

“I saw you kissing Kuroo,” he said, trying to keep his voice in check. He would not burst into tears in front of Tsukki. Not this time. He had dignity. 

“Uh. Yeah. So?”

_Uh. Yeah. So?_

Tsukki was supposed to be smart, why couldn’t he connect the dots? Was Yamaguchi not obvious enough? Or was he mocking him in his own way? 

The words were digging painfully in his chest. _So?_ As if it wasn’t surprising. As if it hadn’t been a shock for the former pinch server. As if that didn’t matter, that it was a common occurrence. _Is it?_ He really didn’t want to think about it. Not here, not with Tsukki in front of him, not ever. 

He barely registered Tsukishima closing the door and moving to sit in front of him but when he felt the touch of his hand on his knee he curled up on himself, pressing his back against the wall to try and escape the light contact.

“Don’t touch me! Please.” _Not with the same hands which were resting on his waist minutes ago._ His broken voice gave away the real state he was in. 

Tsukishima frowned but didn’t make any comments, removing his hand instead. Yamaguchi wanted to laugh. Not a happy laugh, mind you, but a bitter one.

What had they become in such a short amount of time?

They had started the night being their usual selves and they were now locked in a bathroom in front of one another but so far away from each other. _But is it really new? Hadn’t he already started to drift away from you?_

“I want to know what I did wrong since it seems you’re angry at me,” he said. Always so calm, always so placid. It made Yamaguchi want to scream, he wanted him to react. Why was he so passive about it? _He had always been like that, it won’t change. Not for you at least._ Yamaguchi gritted his teeth. He really was on the verge of just exploding and telling Tsukki everything. 

“I’m not. If anything, I’m mad at myself.”

“Why?”

“You don’t wanna hear it.”

“I do.”

_You really don’t._

Yamaguchi gave Tsukishima a long, tired look before standing up, his back still pressing against the wall. He didn’t trust his legs to support him at the moment. He felt surprisingly empty. Sure, he was angry and hurt and in pain. But everything was fading out in the background, replaced by a numb feeling of indifference, and Yamaguchi was too far gone to care about it. Tsukki wanted to know? Fine. He would. And it would hurt. 

“Fine. I’m mad at myself for not telling you about something. I… I like you, Tsukki. I’ve liked you since day one but was too shy to admit it, even to myself and then to you. I had hope, you know. I’d always give myself a deadline to talk to you about it, but I’d never respect it and then you became close with Kuroo behind my back and everything changed before I knew it. I had to hear you talk about him the way I wished you would talk about me, with that fondness in your voice, this care in your eyes.” 

The words were flowing out of him with such ease, he almost wondered why he didn’t say anything sooner. He was still feeling empty like a hole had been dug in his chest and someone had stolen his heart, but not in a good way. He had always wanted things to be easy between him and Tsukishima, and now that it was, he hated it. He hated how he could feel himself not caring one bit about what was happening. It was like he was trapped in his own body, letting the rational part of him melting with his indifferent self, forced to watch his own life as a spectator. 

“I knew my feelings wouldn’t be returned, not anymore and I thought it would be fine, really. I thought I could manage. But I can’t, not when the best friend I’m in love with is kissing another guy right in front of me. And I’m sorry that I’m lashing it all on you right now because you don’t deserve it, not in the slightest.” 

His voice had recovered the anger from which he was drawing the courage he was showing right now. But it was nothing compared to the storm raging through his mind, his emotions contradicting each other.

By the time he finished his little speech, Yamaguchi was breathless. He gritted his teeth. He didn’t want this to happen. Not like that. Not with anger raging through his heart and pain threatening to make him scream even more. He was surprised he wasn’t crying already. He raised his head to make eye contact as he felt his chin trembling, a flash of determination in his eyes.

Tsukishima was looking at him in disbelief and he chuckled sadly at the sight. It seemed like he wasn’t going to give him any response but it was fine. It was better that way. Yamaguchi wasn’t sure he could handle any form of answer right now.

“So, was that what you wanted to hear Tsukki?” he asked, unable to restrain his bitterness. 

Usually, he wasn’t the sarcastic one. The world had truly gone upside down.

Tsukishima remained silent and looked down. Yamaguchi sighed. Of course. He was always struggling with everything concerning feelings. Of course he would remain silent about it. Yamaguchi was almost tempted to call him a coward, in his head at least, but that would make him a hypocrite. 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” he breathed out before leaving Tsukishima all by himself without getting any answer.

* * *

That night, curled up on himself in his bed and stubbornly ignoring his vibrating phone, Yamaguchi cried. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm thinking of writing a multi-chapter fic out of it with a bit (okay, a lot) of Teruyama, I just need the time to actually write it uh
> 
> I hope you liked it!


End file.
